Live Fast, Die Young, Be Wild, and Have Fun
Dedicated to Anna and her 20th birthday.
It was a hot summer night in late June. Planning ahead was always helpful, and Lu Han was a planner. College was starting in three months. He didn’t know how to feel about it. He was going to major in biomedical engineering at Boston University; very stable, Mother said. You’ll have a job even if you don’t get into med school.
“Okay,” Lu Han responded. So that was that. He’d try to have fun, and learn a lot. College meant a new start, right? A new beginning. He wasn’t really positively sure it was something he’d like, but like Mother said, he’d have a job. And who cared if he was unsure? Long before school work actually mattered, he had a few pretty good ideas about what he wanted to do—but Mother always encouraged him to work hard, because you need a strong foundation to build upon, so he did. He did everything his mother asked of him.
Sometimes he wondered if he was doing it all for his mother instead of himself.
And sometimes, he looked through his old boxes from before. Paintings, drawings, old Polaroids, tapes of him singing. An old soccer ball was stashed in his closet. On his computer, he had a few folders dedicated to writing.
He told himself what he had been telling himself for years now. He laughed, and that laugh was as dry as straw. How silly, he thought, that I actually wanted to be a singer. An artist. A writer. A soccer player. I’m not that good. There are so many that are better than me. And he said it because it was fucking true and he was fucking right.
Those thoughts had been swimming inside his head since he was eleven, the age at which Mother thought she could stop caring about his feelings and dreams and dropped a harsh blanket of reality over his cold body. And he couldn’t tell if ever since then, he’d been the one to fuel and make the flames of those ideas really true. All his dreams were crushed, and he wondered if it was because of himself, or his Mother. Probably me, he thought. Mother just tries to provide for me. And he pushed all his thoughts away and flopped down on the bed.
But there was one thought that would never go away. It was always there, ever since he was a kid. He just never mentioned it after a while, because Mother always looked like she had eaten a grapefruit when he did. Her lips tightened and her eyes narrowed and her whole face puckered.
He was eighteen now. Eighteen, and he had no idea what happened to his dad. No idea where his daddy was, no idea why he left.
In sophomore year, his then-boyfriend Chanyeol told him, “You’ve got daddy issues.”
“Do I, Chanyeol?” Lu Han murmured. He shifted in the bed and kissed Chanyeol’s cheek. So handsome. And a really funny person. Chanyeol was his first boyfriend. He was taller, with big eyes and a huge smile. He was really hot, too. And he had such a lovely voice; so deep, so rich, so warm, and he always playfully pretended to bite Lu Han. They broke up at the beginning of junior year, but remained friends.
For a while, he hadn’t pressed the matter, but it was scratching at him and it just popped out at dinner one night.
“What happened to my father?”
Mother was drinking water, and she slammed the glass down on the table. The water sloshed out and landed on the wood. “Excuse me?”
“What happened to my father? You know… Daddy?” Lu Han asked in a small voice. Mother inhaled. She folded her hands neatly.
“He’s not here.”
“I know,” Lu Han answered, fighting to keep his voice steady. “But I’m eighteen now, almost off to college, and I should probably have the right to know…?”
Mother glared at him with cold eyes. “I don’t talk about that motherfucker in this house.”
Lu Han squeezed his fork. Mother never really swore, and when she did, it meant she was angry. Really angry. “Sorry, Mama… I just… I want to know who he is.”
“You do. You know his name.”
“I do, but I meant, who is he as a person? Where does he live? What was he like? Why did he leave? Please Mama, I need to know.”
It definitely took some prying out, but Mother eventually spilled the beans with annoyance. “He’s a no good son of a bitch. He lives in California. That’s it. That’s all you need to fucking know.”
Lu Han swallowed. “Oh.”
“Messed up in the head. We had to call it quits.” Mother stood up, and Lu Han wanted to press for more, but her lips were tight and she put her dishes in the sink. The conversation was over. Mother left the kitchen.
“He never visited,” Lu Han said to himself in a small voice. His noodles were cold and they looked a little slimy, but he was grateful for even having food.
“…Never wrote letters… Never talked to me.”
But a few days later, when Mother was at work and he was at home cleaning, he found he was wrong. Granted, he shouldn’t have snooped… Well, too late for that now. In the back of his mother’s closet, he found a box full of letters and little trinkets and souvenirs from California. Something twisted painfully in his chest. Maybe it was the fact that Mother had hidden letters sent from his father. Maybe it was the fact that his father did care, did want to talk to him. With wet eyes, he took the box back with him to his room, sat on the bed, and read every letter. He tried not to stain the paper with his tears.
He didn’t press the matter until a few days later. “Mama? Can I meet Daddy?”
“I’m not letting you see him. I’m not going to give you any money to see him, either.”
“Why do you want to see him so badly?” Mother’s voice rose. She was letting the oil pop harshly in the frying pan.
“Isn’t it natural?” Lu Han asked. He breathed softly. Keep it steady. But Daddy’s latest letter was hot in his pocket and burning through.
No. Not fair. You don’t say that about…
“Fucking bastard,” Mother growled. The oil hissed, and it caught her on the arm.
“Mama, please don’t say that,” Lu Han whispered.
“Well, he is.”
Lu Han licked his lips. Tears were pricking at his eyes, and he made to change the subject. “Mama. I found this…” He pulled the letter out of his pocket and waved it. “Mama…”
“What’s that?” Mother said sharply.
“I found the letters you were hiding in the closet.”
The oil popped. Mother was frozen.
“You were hiding the letters Daddy sent to me,” Lu Han choked out. His throat was closing on itself. Tears dripped down his cheeks.
“Well, there’s no way I’d let him talk to my baby.”
“I want to see him. Mama, I really want to see him,” Lu Han whispered.
“Do it yourself. I’m not going to help you. And if you go, you’re going to realize that you have no money to get you to LA. You can go. But when you come home, I’ll be right here, paying for your damn college tuition and saying I told you so.”
Something snapped inside Lu Han. And he threw up his heart, confessed what was supposed to be hidden, asked whywhywhywhy and he had no fucking idea what he was saying. He threw up his heart, asking why his father was messed up, asking if he was messed up too, and somehow along the way—
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, Lu Han didn’t know how much time passed. The letter was on the table, soaked in his tears. Mother was next to him.
Lu Han nodded.
Mother sighed loudly, like she was carrying the weight of the world on her small shoulders. The oil was popping in the background. She just left the food on the stove.
“Go out. Find your dad.”
Lu Han’s head snapped up. The letter was crumpled in his hand. His heart was on the floor and spattered in patterns of blood on the tile.
“Pack up. Leave. If you want to see him, fine. I won’t help you. And don’t come back until you’ve corrected yourself, either. You’re going to have to do that. You’ve got three months until college, and I’m the one who’s paying for your tuition. I won’t have a fucking faggot for a son.”
Lu Han stood and left.
He was in his room. It was late now. And suddenly, he broke out into a frenzy. There wasn’t any time to be shocked now, but he was shocked while he packed. Tears dripped all over his clothes, the floor. But he did it. He picked up an old backpack, emptied the shoebox and put all the letters and souvenirs that were in it into the backpack. He put his wallet in, too, and any spare money he could find. Underwear, socks, he was a planner, and somehow he was still able to plan. No clothes; they probably wouldn’t fit in his bag and he could go to the lost and found at the recreation center and get clothes there. Toothbrush, toothpaste, nail clippers, soap and shampoo so he could shower at the pool’s locker room. Things that he needed; a flashlight, his cellphone and charger, but he didn’t know what he’d do with those.
He locked the door of his room and sat on his bed, with his backpack. Keep it light, and he did.
Lu Han cried. Cried like a baby, like the day Daddy left. Daddy left, and now Mother was leaving, or rather, basically kicking him out, until he could correct himself. But it wasn’t something he could just fucking correct. This was who he was.
Lu Han laid down on his bed. A breeze from the open window entered the room. He closed his eyes for just a moment.
He fell asleep, but woke up at three in the morning. And he found himself stuffing a notepad, a camera, and pencils into his bag. He was wearing his lucky soccer jersey from freshman year—when the upper classmen found out he had to quit, they managed to convince the coach to let Lu Han keep his jersey. He sat on his bed, a pencil fixed in his hand and paper a tiny bit crumpled against his leg. His hand was moving across paper; he was nearing three full pages now, and he laughed at his messy mixture of English and Mandarin on the letter. At the end, he wrote, “Please forgive me, Mama. I love you” and signed it, “Your little baby deer, Lu Han.” He folded it. With a bitter smile, he swung his bag over his shoulder. Saw the SAT books by the closet. Saw his bed. The soccer ball. His desk. He left, went to the kitchen, and put the letter on the table. And now he was standing outside of his house, locking the door with his old key. Saw his home. The place where he grew up.
The breeze brushing past chilled his tear-stained cheeks. He prayed Mother would be okay. Please forgive me, he whispered. And he turned his back, walking away.
Mother was friends with all of Lu Han’s friends’ mothers. She had complained about what a shame her son was, so Lu Han didn’t dare go to any of his friend’s houses. That was how he was stuck at the recreation center during the day and on the bench outside of the gas station at night.
It was strangely cold tonight, early July; Lu Han luckily already went to orientation in early June. For now, everything would be okay, right? He’d… stay here, for a while. He didn’t know how long. But he couldn’t return to his house. Mother would laugh in his face; tell him that she told him so. If he really wanted to go home, he’d have to beg, prove that he had corrected himself. Maybe she’d put him in therapy for the rest of the summer.
He had some money. He was living off the minimal, trying to push the thought of returning home far out of his head. But the thought was always there. And he was here, sitting on the cold hard bench near the gas station with the lights of the town bright and the occasional car passing by. He checked his watch. Four in the morning.
He had lost weight. It had been two weeks. His stomach growled loudly, but he barely heard it over the noise of his fucking dead thrown up heart, which shouldn’t even be making a sound.
“What the fuck am I doing,” he breathed. Sometimes he just wanted to take his bag, go home, kneel at the door, and beg for forgiveness. But at the same time, there was no way he was going back yet. He wasn’t too big on pride, but this was something different. This was who he is, and this is what he wanted to do—see his father. He wanted this because he needed luck, some kind of luck to get him to California. And fuck, he had nothing to lose. So what if he was going to college? What was the point, if he felt dead? What was the point, if his major wasn’t even something he liked?
Lu Han contemplated forcing himself to fall asleep when out of the corner of his eye, a dark car pulled up on the side of the road. He sat up slightly, curious at first. But then a man got out of the passenger side, and started walking toward him. He was tall and lean, with dark hair that was gelled up, and he wore a black wifebeater that exhibited his muscular arms. He looked huge somehow. Lu Han gulped as the man approached. His eyes darted to the side. Could he run? Could he hide? But he was glued to the bench and he couldn’t fucking move.
“Hey.” The man was at his side now. He was even taller up close. His eyes were dark and unreadable. The wifebeater showed part of his chest, and Lu Han saw the beginnings of a tattoo on his left pectoral.
“H-Hi,” Lu Han whispered.
“What’re you doing here?”
“I don’t know,” Lu Han. Well, there were a lot of things he didn’t know. He didn’t know why he was sitting on a bench near the gas station. He didn’t know why he was talking to a stranger who looked really scary and strong. He didn’t know what he was going to do with himself now. So he said the only thing he did know. “My mom kicked me out.”
And it just… popped out. Lu Han wasn’t keen on telling just anybody. But it just came out. Maybe it was because he had nothing to lose.
Surprisingly, the man didn’t seem terribly repulsed. He nodded, seeming to think for a moment. “Sorry about that.”
Lu Han shrugged. “It’s okay.” No it wasn’t. Sometimes he felt it like a sucker punch to the gut; remembered that his mother had done so much for him, brought him up all by herself, and this was how he repaid her. Disgusting.
The man started speaking again. “My brother and I, we’re on a trip to California. You could come with us, if you don’t have anything else to do.” He was sitting down next to Lu Han now. His big hand darted out, and rubbed Lu Han’s knee. Warm. Lu Han unconsciously let out a soft gasp. “We’re going to California. You ever been to California? You’re sitting out here alone. If you come with us, we’ll take good care of you, and all you’ll have to give us in return is your company, okay?”
But all he cared about was California. And the next thing he knew, he was sitting in the back of that dark car, with the man next to him, and the man’s brother in the front.
He could’ve laughed at himself, could’ve slapped himself. Here he was, sitting in a shady car with two men who were much stronger and bigger than him. They could easily kill him and dump him on the road.
But there were two sides to him. He wanted to believe in the kindness of strangers. Because sometimes the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most, and the people you don’t know at all are the ones who help you. And fuck it all, he had no idea what he was doing with himself anyway. Biomedical engineering? Fuck that; it wasn’t something he really wanted. He just had to let loose. Do something crazy. All his life, he had been good.
The man’s arm was already around his shoulders. Lu Han leaned into the warm touch. “I’m Sehun,” the man said.
“Hi Sehun,” Lu Han whispered. “I’m Lu Han.”
“Hey, Lu Han,” Sehun murmured. He nodded to the driver. “That’s my twin brother, Kai.”
“Hi, Kai.” Kai didn’t say hello back. He just started driving again, and his eyes were focused on the road. Lu Han bit his lip; his eyelids were feeling heavy and Sehun’s scent was warm and surrounding him. He didn’t feel scared anymore; didn’t feel like he was in danger, even though he should’ve.
He felt safe, and he had no idea what he was doing but this Sehun person was strong and warm so he turned, moved closer, and allowed himself to shut his tired eyes.
Lu Han woke up in the morning to Sehun smoking. His shirt was off, and Lu Han saw the full tattoo on his chest; it was the Chinese character for wolf. Badass. He had no idea where they were, but he did know they were on a highway. He was tired and it was burning hot.
“Hi,” Sehun greeted him. His skin was smooth and pale. He had never moved from his position of being Lu Han’s teddy bear. Breathing out wisps of smoke, he licked his lips. There was something strange about him, the way he was immediately so close, the way he wrapped his arm around someone he didn’t know, the way he just invited Lu Han to a road trip.
“Hi,” Lu Han said back in a small voice. He made to scoot away from Sehun, feeling suddenly so self-conscious over the fact that he just snuggled up to a complete stranger—who was really, really hot—but Sehun kept a tight grip on his shoulder. He breathed out clouds, and Lu Han coughed violently when he smelled the smoke. His eyes watered and his lungs burned; the nerves tingled like each one was being choked.
“Sorry,” Sehun muttered. He rolled down one of the windows, the cigarette still smoking in his hand. Lu Han wished he’d put it out, stop smoking, but he couldn’t exactly tell him that.
Kai was still at the front, focused on the road. He had black hair, unlike Sehun, whose hair was chocolate. His skin was more sun-kissed, and Lu Han felt the need to run his hands over the warm glow of his flesh. Beautiful.
“How old are you?” Sehun asked.
“Eighteen,” Lu Han murmured, his eyes still trained on Kai. “What about you?”
“We’re both twenty-five, but Kai’s older by sixteen minutes. You know, you look really young for eighteen.”
Lu Han stuck his tongue out. “I’m going to college in September.”
“Really? What are you studying?” Sehun licked his lips again. “Kai, pass me a bagel.” Kai let out a grunt and did as he was told. Sehun gave the bagel to Lu Han.
“Biomedical engineering,” Lu Han muttered with a sigh.
Sehun stared at him for a moment. And Lu Han was suddenly aware of all the hot skin pressing into him, the dark tattoo, ripples of muscles, and he looked down at the bagel in his lap.
“Wow. So you want to be a doctor, maybe?”
“I guess. It’s not something I really want to do, but oh well. There’s nothing else I can really do,” Lu Han mumbled, playing with the hem of his shirt. “By the way, why are you going to California?”
“We’re artists,” Sehun said, ripping off a piece of Lu Han’s bagel and popping it into his mouth. “Well I’m an artist kind of artist, and Kai’s a writer. We were saving up for a trip to Hawaii, but Kai got writer’s block and his editor told him to take a break. So I was like, ‘Why don’t we take a trip to get your muse back?’ So we used some money to go on this trip. I mean, we don’t really want to stay in hotels the whole time, and we’re not planning to have, like, a five day trip. This is probably going to be a long time, just so you know. But gas costs a fucking arm and a leg nowadays. And we still gotta do laundry and buy food.”
“Oh,” Lu Han said in a small voice. “Are you tight on money?”
Sehun cocked his head. Lu Han wanted to duck away, but Sehun’s hand shot out and stroked his cheek, like they were lovers. “We’ve got it covered, okay? Don’t worry about it. It’s like I said. We’ll take care of you, and all you’ve have to do is keep us company.”
Lu Han nodded, his cheeks warm. And Sehun brought him closer, closer, closer. “What about you? What made you agree to come with two strangers to California?”
“I mean…” Lu Han thought for a moment. “Since my mom kicked me out, I might as well do something in the meantime, right?”
Sehun laughed. “No, but really. Tell me the truth. I’m not calling you an idiot, but only an idiot would get into a car with two strangers in the dead hours of the morning.” His dark eyes focused on Lu Han’s face. And suddenly, Lu Han felt so tiny, so insignificant. He looked down at his bagel again.
“It’s a long story,” he murmured.
“I’ve got time. You’re stuck with us for, I’d say, about another month, so.”
So Lu Han took a deep breath, and told him about his father, and his desire to see him in California. Sehun nodded afterward. “You’ve got daddy issues, huh?”
“No!” Lu Han cried, but Sehun grinned at him, eyes crinkling up so warmly, that Lu Han supposed he didn’t really mind. “I’ve only had one boyfriend, if you are insinuating that—“
Sehun’s voice dropped deeper, and he leaned in. “You’re a really good boy aren’t you?”
“Huh?” Lu Han’s eyes widened. “W—What do you mean?” Sehun was so fucking close, so warm, so handsome.
“You don’t really do much daring stuff, huh?”
“Um, I don’t think so—“
Sehun pulled him in for a kiss.
Kai kept his eyes on the road.
Sehun’s lips were warm and smoky; he tasted kind of bitter and sweet and ashy all at the same time. Lu Han had never kissed someone who smoked before; well, he had never really kissed anyone besides Chanyeol. The kiss was slow and warm, with Sehun’s big hand on his cheek and the other holding his smoking cigarette. Lu Han’s jaw was tensed slightly, and Sehun patted it before parting to whisper, “Relax.”
But Lu Han couldn’t relax. Here he was, doing something he’d never thought he’d do—hitch a ride with strangers, kiss someone he didn’t know. He felt so self-conscious, afraid that he was a terrible kisser, afraid that he wasn’t that good looking, afraid that he was terribly awkward and shy, because that was the way he was with strangers. So he couldn’t just fucking relax; he couldn’t just let loose and sink into the kiss like it was natural.
After a few moments, Lu Han drew back for air, his cheeks red and his lips swollen. Sehun’s gaze was dark and smoldering, making Lu Han feel so small and shy that he sat back down properly in his seat, his hands holding his bagel a little too tightly (it was getting rather squashed now) and his eyes cast down to observe his tattered, dirty shoelaces.
“You’re so cute,” Sehun commented, before taking a puff of his cigarette. He reached over and turned Lu Han’s face so their eyes met. “Kai, you should see him. He’s so cute, like a baby.”
Kai scoffed. “And you’re attracted to him, which makes you a creep, if he’s like a baby.”
“Fuck off, I never said I liked babies,” Sehun answered with a roll of his eyes. He went back to staring at Lu Han, his body twisted toward the boy, his hair combed and gelled up. His arms were defined and Lu Han couldn’t help but notice curves and angles of each muscle. Lu Han wrenched away from Sehun’s hand and ducked down.
Sehun moved closer, slinging an arm around his shoulder. “Don’t be shy, baby.”
Lu Han said nothing, but his face still burned. The smell of the smoke was getting a tiny bit more bearable. Kai rolled down the other windows.
Sehun held out the cigarette to Lu Han. “Try it.”
Lu Han shook his head, his knees up to his chest. Sehun chuckled. Lu Han looked like a little baby, all curled up and sad.
“Come on. Try something new. Let loose, okay, baby?”
Lu Han bit his lip. Sehun called him baby, now. He didn’t particularly mind. Sehun was a man, and ‘baby’ was an affectionate name, right? ‘Baby’ made him feel a little more special. No one but his mother had ever called him that before.
“I don’t want to die.”
“You won’t die from just trying it,” Sehun answered with a laugh. “Look at me. I’m not saying I won’t die from smoking. But I’m just thinking, I’m going to die someday anyway. And I don’t really care about growing old, having kids and grandkids.”
“Okay,” he mumbled without really thinking. He took the cigarette, without really thinking. For a moment, he did think, and he did look at the innocent little white stick. It wouldn’t hurt to try, would it? So he forgot everything he learned in health class, everything he told himself he wouldn’t do, because really, what did he have to lose? Not his home, he lost that already. Not his family. Not money, not happiness. And certainly not schooling, because in reality, he could care less about it.
So he lifted it to his lips. His first cigarette. He ended up coughing and shoving it back at Sehun with watering eyes and screaming lungs and a choking throat.
“Shh, it’s okay baby.” Sehun took the cigarette, wiped away Lu Han’s tears with his thumb. He pulled Lu Han in close, rubbing comforting circles into his arm. “The first time is always the worst.”
And Lu Han leaned in, his eyes no longer watering from the cigarette, but from something else. He wrapped his skinny arms around Sehun’s neck and snuggled in, to that warm, strong body. To Sehun, to his broad shoulders, his muscular arms, his tattoo. Everything about him was big, so protective, and Lu Han wanted to be held by Sehun forever, because it was warm, it was safe.
“Is that a natural position for you?” Sehun asked with a laugh.
“Of course it’s natural!” Lu Han stuck out his tongue. He was sitting on a bench with one leg crossed over the other, one hand propping himself up and the other on his knee.
“You look so dainty. Like a princess.” Sehun shifted slightly as he continued to draw Lu Han. “Look to your left. I want sort of… a pensive look.”
Lu Han did as he was told. He stayed in that position for a long time, as Sehun sketched him. He watched Kai, who was in the car with his knees up to his chest and a notebook in his hands. Kai never really paid any attention to him. Never really wanted to talk to him, either; he only talked to his brother.
“He’ll warm up to you eventually,” Sehun murmured. “Kai, I mean.”
Lu Han was amazed at how Sehun seemed to know what he was thinking. Amazed, at how sometimes Sehun seemed to have this power over him, this power, that he knew Lu Han’s body and mind better than Lu Han did himself. And it was beautiful. Lu Han embraced it. It was lovely to relax and let someone take care of you, because that person knew you so well.
The road was long. Kai never really talked to Lu Han; didn’t look at him either. So Lu Han found himself tagging along at Sehun’s side most of the time, but he didn’t mind. Sehun took care of him. He liked to feed Lu Han like a boyfriend would. He liked to sling his arm around Lu Han’s shoulder, tap his cheek, kiss him on the forehead. He liked to wrap his arms around Lu Han’s body when they were walking, liked to rest his chin on top of Lu Han’s head. He eclipsed Lu Han, with broad shoulders, with strong arms, with a long torso, with his height.
And Lu Han never really had anyone who took care of him like that. No one really protected him like Sehun did. No one really made him feel loved like that. It was all about doing school, all about testings, about homework. Sehun even kissed him, like they were lovers; touched him. He rubbed Lu Han’s back, his bottom, his shoulders. He held Lu Han’s hand, ruffled his hair.
So on the sixth day, it just… popped out.
Lu Han couldn’t help it. It was when Sehun started making out with him spontaneously in the car, with Kai driving.
“Aren’t we distracting him,” Lu Han gasped. Sehun’s lips were sinful, all pressed up against his neck.
“No,” Sehun murmured back, “he’s got great concentration. Unlike me. That’s why normally I never drive. I get frustrated easily, too.”
“Oh,” Lu Han whispered. Sehun’s hand skimmed his sides. He hadn’t had sex in a long time, and he felt like a virgin all over again, like when he and Chanyeol were experimenting and one thing just led to another and—
“And that’s also why we went on the trip. Normally,” Sehun paused to nip at Lu Han’s ear, “normally he can meet his deadlines but he was having a really stressful time recently”—holy fuck, his hand was rubbing circles into one of Lu Han’s most sensitive areas, his hip—“so I decided that he must be having a really hard time. We’re looking for a muse. I’ve tried to get Kai to write some erotic novels,” Sehun murmured against the tall column of Lu Han’s neck. “He hasn’t gotten laid in a million years. Thought he could use it to release some tension. But he said no, so.”
Lu Han gasped, arching his back when Sehun breathed hard on his neck. Lu Han saw out of the corner of his eye that Sehun was balancing the cigarette between his index and middle fingers. It was smoking, and Sehun smelled like it. Lu Han drew back to pull off his shirt.
“You’re so cute,” Sehun remarked with a small smile. He nuzzled into Lu Han’s chest, his long fingers coming up to tweak those soft, dusty pink nipples. Lu Han moaned and wriggled as Sehun took the nipple in his mouth and lapped at it. Lu Han’s shorts were getting tighter now as his cock hardened. The hand holding the cigarette came up to tease Lu Han’s other nipple. He was mildly worried about getting cigarette burns, but all he could think was that Sehun was very, very skilled. He was getting handsy now, and he grabbed at Lu Han’s small ass cheek with one hand.
“More,” Lu Han whined. He was practically sitting on Sehun’s lap now, his hands clutching at anything, his shoulders, his arms, his thick dark hair. There was something insanely arousing about making out with a stranger in a car with another as a witness.
Sehun’s hands were quite grabby and squeezed and kneaded Lu Han’s cheeks eagerly. “How do you feel about this,” he murmured. Lu Han let out a strangled noise when he felt Sehun’s arousal brush his leg.
“Letting a stranger fuck you, in a car, on a highway, in front of his brother.”
Lu Han licked his lips and drew back. “You’re not a stranger,” he responded, a little more breathily than he intended. “Not really, anyway.” And here he was, going along with it despite his brain telling him not to; here he was. Because something about it was so free, so unlike anything Lu Han had ever done.
Sehun paused to take another drag from his cigarette. Lu Han instinctively hugged him and buried his head into that strong, muscled neck as Sehun breathed out smoke.
“Fucking hell,” Kai snapped from the front. “Would you stop smoking? The whole car smells horrible now.”
“Fuck off, you should be used to it by now,” Sehun growled, and Lu Han whined. There was something so hot about the way he said it. Badass. He grinded his hips down onto Sehun’s bulge; his shorts were so fucking tight and his cock ached.
“Don’t move, angel.” Sehun sat Lu Han down on the seat next to him. With one hand, Sehun popped open the button of Lu Han’s shorts. He maneuvered them off, along with Lu Han’s briefs. He grinned when he saw Lu Han’s dick. “You’re so little, baby.”
Lu Han blushed and wanted to cover himself up, wanted to hide, but at the same time, he felt the need to jump into Sehun’s lap and just ride him. It was fucking weird but he didn’t care. Sehun’s free hand caressed Lu Han, who whined, reaching over with small grabby hands to fumble with Sehun’s jeans. “Take yours off too!” He was a little clumsy with Sehun’s rubbing, but he managed to unbutton the jeans and push them along with the boxers down far enough. He grabbed Sehun’s cock—holy fuck, it was huge, and thick—and tried to pump it with sloppily strokes, throwing his head back as Sehun’s own hand quickened.
“Hold on, lube and condom.” Sehun drew away, his cigarette still smoking and his cock red and swollen, to rummage through his bag. Lu Han whined, trying not to touch himself. He wanted to be fucked hard. Sehun chuckled when he heard Lu Han’s desperate whines. “Hold on, baby. Just a moment.” Once he found the supplies, Sehun slid back into the seat next to Lu Han, who was eagerly rubbing his nipples and moaning shamelessly. Sehun held the cigarette between his lips as he ripped open the condom and rolled it down on his thick length. Then he uncapped the lube, took a generous scoop, and covered his dick with it. “Come here, baby.” He took the cigarette out of his mouth and beckoned.
“I,” Lu Han gasped, his hands twitching and his toes curling. He reached out, crawling on his knees to sit on Sehun’s lap. “Need you. Please, please Sehun.”
Sehun kissed his cheek, the hand with the cigarette in those soft honey blonde locks.“Shh, shh. I’ll take care of you.” Sehun took his wet fingers and reached around Lu Han’s hips. He slid his slicked fingers down Lu Han’s crack, and once he found the entrance, he rubbed it and covered it in lube. He pushed his finger inside, all the way to the knuckle. It wasn’t too terrible of an intrusion, but Lu Han hadn’t had sex in a while. After pumping his finger in and out, Sehun added a second finger.
“It doesn’t hurt, right?” Sehun asked, checking Lu Han’s face for any signs of pain.
“N—No, just… Strange.” Actually, it was quite pleasurable. He felt so sensitive there.
Sehun slightly bent his fingers inside and hooked to loosen Lu Han up. Once he deemed Lu Han loose enough, he removed his fingers. Lu Han adjusted himself almost instantaneously, poised over Sehun’s thick length.
He couldn’t help it.
Sehun had chocolate hair, dark hooded eyes, eyes that crinkled up when he smiled. He was big and strong, and he smelled like soap. He was warm, and made Lu Han feel protected. Safe. He said he would take care of Lu Han.
It just popped out.
“Daddy,” Lu Han whined as he sunk down on Sehun’s cock. It felt even thicker inside him. Uncomfortable, but it was… nice. New. He sighed at the incredible sensation of being filled. Fuck, it had been a long time since he felt like this; he had been working so hard during his junior and senior year that he just—
Sehun grabbed his hips and helped him up; Lu Han felt the scrape of the cigarette against his skin. He would’ve prayed to not get burnt, but everything was incoherent in his brain because Sehun pushed him down harshly, and he screamed, screamed hard, hugging Sehun close.
“You okay, baby?” Sehun’s breathing was ragged as he continued to help Lu Han ride.
“Daddy, more!” Fuck. It popped out again. Lu Han held Sehun closer and ground his knees into the seats next to him as he too pushed himself up.
“Tell Daddy what you want,” Sehun breathed. Taking another puff from his cigarette, he kept a hand on Lu Han’s hip, but now Lu Han was the one setting the pace.
“I want,” Lu Han licked his lips. He had no idea where he fucking was. He was in a car, in a bedroom, in a hotel, on Sehun, riding him. Kai was there, Kai wasn’t there, they were in a car, they weren’t in a car, but he was fucking gone and he loved it. He tried to say something but Sehun’s cloud of smoke was making his eyes water and his throat close up. He coughed and hiccupped and sobbed into Sehun’s shoulder. He felt fucked up, felt tired, but he kept riding Sehun, because right now, it was the only thing he knew how to do.
“Sorry, baby.” Sehun kissed Lu Han’s cheek. “Let me make it up to you.” As Lu Han rode him, he let his free hand come down to stroke Lu Han’s small leaking dick. The other, with the cigarette, rested on Lu Han’s back.
“N—No,” Lu Han squeaked, tears falling onto Sehun’s tattoo. “Daddy—“
“You don’t want this?” Sehun rubbed the tip harshly.
“Daddy!” Lu Han screamed, his nails digging into Sehun’s shoulder.
“You don’t want to come?” Sehun’s hand left Lu Han’s dick and grabbed his hip, halting all movement with an iron grip.
“I do, but I want… Sehun…” Lu Han blushed furiously, suddenly very acutely aware that he had been calling Sehun, ‘Daddy’.
“You can call me Daddy, baby. I don’t mind. Now tell me what you want.”
“I want to make S—Daddy come first. I get all…” Lu Han wanted to squirm, move, get something out of this, but Sehun’s hands on his hip and his back kept him in his place. He refused to look at Sehun—his chocolate hair, dark hooded eyes, eyes that crinkled up when he smiled, black tattoo on his chest.
Sehun slapped his ass to make him continue. With a yelp, Lu Han opened his mouth. “I get all clampy and it won’t feel good for me or for Daddy, anymore…”
Sehun threw back his head and laughed. Kai sneezed again, and the car was turning. Lu Han almost fell over, but luckily Sehun kept him in place. He supposed the lack of movement for now was for the better. “Baby, you’re the sweetest. If you come first, you can suck me off, okay?”
“Okay,” Lu Han mumbled, his face burning. That did sound nice, having Sehun’s thick cock in between his lips, but he liked it inside him better. Sehun loosened his grip and helped him find the pace again, and soon enough, Lu Han was riding that thick cock and filling the car with whines and whimpers. Sehun’s cock was rubbing his prostrate on both the way in and out, and Lu Han was trying, so hard, so so hard not to come.
“Fucking hell,” Sehun breathed. Lu Han was clenching around him in all the right ways, and there was that one high pitched whine that Lu Han finally let out—“D—Daddy!” and he came, throwing back his head and gripping Lu Han’s hip hard.
“Daddy, Daddy,” Lu Han squealed, grinding his hips down, bouncing up and down like he was born to do it, and Sehun grabbed his little dick and pumped it hard. With a long drawn out moan, Lu Han came, splatters of his release hitting him in the chest, stomach, and chin.
For a moment, Lu Han lay slumped onto Sehun, breathing hard and clenching tight. He was so warm, so safe, so protected. Sehun was petting his hair, holding him close, whispering sweet words in his ear. “You were great, baby. You made Daddy feel so fucking good. Daddy really liked that. Did you like it too, angel?” Sehun tilted Lu Han’s head up on his chest.
“Y-Yeah,” Lu Han mumbled. There was a little drool at the corner of his mouth, and he tried to wipe it off, but he was so fucking tired and ended up smearing the come around his skin. His face was so hot he was sure his skin was burning. “What… what the hell did I just do?” He laughed to himself, his voice high pitched and breathy, legs weak and wobbly.
Sehun laughed, and gently helped Lu Han off his lap. He pulled the condom off and put it in a spare plastic bag on the floor. “Here, let me help you get dressed.”
“Daddy,” Lu Han whispered weakly. Maybe he was tired. Maybe he was sad. Maybe he was guilty. Maybe he was ashamed, that he just slept with a stranger in a car on the road in front of the stranger’s brother.
Maybe Sehun just fucked him really well and he just wanted to sleep. So he just closed his eyes as he felt Sehun wipe the come off his tummy and his chest and his face.
He fell asleep naked, but woke up partially dressed—his sweater and briefs were on, but not his shorts— and sitting in Sehun’s lap. Sehun wasn’t smoking anymore, and his jeans were on properly, but he still wasn’t wearing a shirt. They were parked somewhere, but it was dark, and Lu Han didn’t see where they were. Kai sat in the front seat still, but he was turned to face Sehun with his legs spread to the passenger’s side and a booklight on a notepad. He seemed to be writing something, while Sehun was shooting ideas at him.
“Well, if you don’t want to write some cheesy romance novel, then write about our lil’ tryst,” he suggested. His arms were relaxed and loose around Lu Han’s waist, and he kept talking like he didn’t know Lu Han was awake. “You could write about how I just fucked little Lu Han here. Daddy kink, that always turns on the female readers.”
“No,” Kai said shortly.
“You heard us, though. It turned you on, didn’t it? But Kai’s really good at concentrating when he needs to,” Sehun went on, playing with Lu Han’s hands. “Were you hard? Hearing little Lu Han’s breathy moans. ‘Daddy, I want it.’”
“Sehun, can you stop?” Kai muttered, his eyebrows creased and his right hand clenching around the pencil.
Sehun shrugged, patting Lu Han’s cheeks. “Erotica always works. When I can’t think of something to do, I just take pictures of my dick and let that inspire me. Photography is great.”
“You just like looking at your dick,” Kai muttered. “It’s not that great, you know.”
“It’s actually quite photogenic. And Lu Han likes it,” Sehun said with a grin. He tapped Lu Han’s hand. Oh. It seemed that he did know Lu Han was awake. “Right, baby?”
Lu Han nodded almost instinctively. Well… he did like it. He hadn’t had many experiences with dicks, just a few times with Chanyeol. But Sehun’s was definitely better than Chanyeol’s.
Sehun kissed his neck and dragged his big hands all over those milky smooth legs. “Maybe he’ll get some inspiration from us. What do you think? Erotic fiction, written about us fucking. Doesn’t that sound hot? If Kai writes it, let’s read it.” He stroked Lu Han pale bare leg with his warm, slightly callused hands and Lu Han smiled.
Daddy really is amazing, Lu Han thought. Encouraging. Protective. Kind. Funny. Just what a daddy should be like. Or, what Lu Han thought one should be like.
“You’re crazy,” Kai muttered for the hundredth time that day. There was something incredibly awkward about getting down with a stranger with his brother watching.
Lu Han mumbled in his sleep. Cute. Sehun was in the passenger seat so that Lu Han could take the seats in the middle as a bed.
“Fuck off,” Sehun said back with a cold glare. It was dark. They usually slept in the car with the seats all the way leaned back and flat. There were two sleeping bags in the trunk in case they wanted a night under the stars, but they wouldn’t dare leave Lu Han alone like that. Well, Sehun wouldn’t do that; he was afraid Lu Han would wake up alone and sad. Kai really didn’t give a shit, and he had thought Sehun wouldn’t, either.
Kai sighed. “You’re driving tomorrow.”
“You know I suck at it,” Sehun muttered, pulling off his jeans and throwing them in the back, behind Lu Han. He put on a new pair of shorts.
“I don’t want to drive tomorrow. I’ve been driving since before you picked up Lu Han. It’s really tiring, you know.”
“Fine. Just don’t get it on with Lu Han. You know my concentration is shit. I don’t want to hear you moaning.”
“That’s gross. I wasn’t even going to,” Kai muttered, his face visibly red from the booklight on his notebook.
“Good,” Sehun said, a smirk crossing his face. He shifted in his seat and closed his eyes. He heard the click of Kai turning off the booklight. His concentration while driving wasn’t as crappy as he made it out to be, and luckily Kai never really got into a car with him that often.
“I like this,” Lu Han said to himself. They had showered at a random free recreation center and washed up there as well. Life on the road wasn’t so bad, he decided. Sehun’s shirt was off again, his tattoo glaring and steaming on his skin. Badass. Lu Han shifted in his seat, peeking at Kai, who was flipping through his notebook.
“What’re you doing?” Lu Han asked, scooting closer. Kai visibly shrank away and hugged his notebook to his chest. Cocking his head, Lu Han continued. “What’s wrong? Are you writing? I think writing is really pretty. Do you write novels? Do you have any with you? Can I read one?”
Kai shook his head, moving away when Lu Han came closer. Weirdo, he thought. Lu Han was cute, pretty, yes, but there was no way someone who fucked a stranger in front of the stranger’s brother could be normal. Lu Han smiled brightly at him, but Kai just turned away and looked out the window.
Lu Han bit his lip and settled back in his rightful seat. “Where are we, Sehun?”
“Let loose, baby,” Sehun replied. “Just call me Daddy.”
“Oh.” Lu Han wrung his hands, and sat up straighter. “Okay… Daddy.” Well, he hadn’t said the word “properly” for ten years. But it would probably feel weirder if he was used to the term in reference to a parent.
“Kai, do you want a nickname too?” Sehun teased.
And Sehun just laughed, his hands tapping on the steering wheel. The car ride became silent once again, with Lu Han looking out the window and occasionally peeking at Kai, who was holding the notebook in his hands but writing nothing.
“Where are we?” Lu Han asked. The car was parked, and Sehun was leaning against it while drawing in a pad.
“I’m not really sure, baby,” Sehun answered as he made quick strokes on the paper. “For now, we’re just driving anywhere, really. Trying to find that muse, somewhere out there. Well. For now, let’s force it. Right, Kai?”
Kai grunted from the inside of the car. The window was slightly open, and it was still burning hot—Lu Han had no idea why Sehun would even try to lean against the car—but Kai was covered up in a long sleeved shirt and loose jeans. Lu Han was wandering around the road, jumping off to the field they were parked next to whenever a car came. It was beautiful. It was just miles and miles of sandy-shaded grass rustling in the distance, with tiny dots of green trees that met with the clear blue sky. Lu Han had the urge to run, run, run out there, never stopping, not to catch his breath, not to turn back, not for anyone, not for himself. But he saw the beautiful image of twins, his twins, his people, his companions—one in the car, the other against it, and he held back.
“You can go out and explore, baby. You don’t have to stick by us the whole time. I’m sure this is extremely boring, being caught up with us,” Sehun said, not looking up from his drawing.
“It’s not boring at all,” Lu Han answered. He frowned and came closer, resting his head on Sehun’s shoulder. He was getting far too comfortable with them, but he didn’t give a fuck. “How is your drawing coming along?”
“Eh, it’s… okay. Look, it’s you.” Sehun turned the pad to let Lu Han take a peek.
“Whoa!” Lu Han exclaimed. “That’s awesome! You made me look so good, Daddy. Thanks.”
Sehun let out a laugh, ruffling Lu Han’s hair. “I didn’t make you look good. I just drew what I saw.”
Lu Han’s heart beat a little faster—so this was what it felt like, to speak to a real man, a Daddy, someone caring—and he buried his face into Sehun’s arm, his face burning hotter than the car.
Sehun continued drawing and Lu Han decided to check on Kai. He wandered around the hood of the car to observe the other twin. Kai’s eyebrows were creased in concentration, and he kept his eyes focused on the notebook as he continued writing.
Lu Han stepped a little closer, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet. “Hi.”
Kai looked up to see Lu Han standing by the open window, his arms behind his back. “Um, hi?” Kai snapped his notebook closed and pressed it to his chest. Lu Han shuffled closer and poked his head into the car through the window.
“What were you doing?”
And Lu Han looked so pretty standing there, the wind ruffling his soft honey blonde hair, the way he was fidgeting and wobbling by the window. The words popped out of Kai’s mouth. “Isn’t it obvious? I was writing. What else would I be doing?”
Well, shit. Now he felt like he had kicked a puppy. Lu Han shrank away, his eyebrows furrowing and a tiny, sad frown on his face. “Sorry…”
Kai pinched his thigh. Sorry, he wanted to say back. I was rude. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. But somehow his tongue was twisted, so he said nothing.
Lu Han’s small hands came up to tap the rim of the window. “What were you writing about?” he tried again. His eyes never met Kai’s after that, but Kai wouldn’t know, because he wasn’t meeting Lu Han’s either.
“Just… I don’t know. Poetry. Ugly flowery purple prose. Shit like that. Um. I can’t really think of anything, so I’m just writing random shit.” His cheeks were starting to burn again, and he felt the familiar stickiness of the sweat on his hands. “I mean, not all poetry is like that! But mine is. I mean, I wish I could write nice poetry. Poetry that isn’t too purple prosey? But still metaphorical?” He scoffed to himself, bowing his head quickly. “Sorry, I don’t know what—“
“I know exactly what you mean,” Lu Han mumbled, leaning fully on the car door. Kai gulped. He had the most beautiful pale skin; even better than Sehun’s. “I wish I could, too.”
“Really do anything like that,” Lu Han continued. “I used to want to be an artist. Like Sehun. Or a writer, a poet of some sort. I also liked singing. And there was a point where I wanted to be a soccer player, too. I really, really liked all of those. But… not everyone can be those things, right?”
Kai blinked. And he said the words that adults told to children; words that were lies. “What do you mean? You can be anything you want to be.”
“No,” Lu Han said abruptly. “You can’t be. Not statistically. Soccer player or singer—not those. There are so many people who are better than you, so statistically, no, it’s almost impossible to be a soccer player or singer unless you’re good. Really good. And I’m not, like, really that good, so… I mean I used to think I was pretty good at both. But then you get knocked down to reality. And you just… stop. You learn how to stop. You let go, because it’s just a waste of time.”
Kai’s throat was dry now. He licked his lips, feeling oddly like Sehun—although, Sehun licked his lips all the time, regardless of the situation.
“And… as an artist, it’s really hard, too. Writers. I don’t know. But there are so many of them that it’s hard to come out as the best. Or, one of the best.”
“But you don’t need to be the best,” Kai said. “Who cares about being the best? I’m most certainly not the best; I’m hardly known.” And he was a fucking liar, too, he supposed. A hypocrite. It was so much easier to try to help others than help himself.
“Well,” Lu Han said, straightening up. A strong wind shoved his hair to the right, and he blinked several times from strands of hair tickling his eyelashes. Kai bit his lip and resisted the urge to brush the hair out of his forehead. “Only the best are successful, Kai. Only the best get noticed.”
Kai wanted to argue, but Sehun roughly jerked open the door and sat down in the driver’s seat with a sigh. Lu Han opened the door and sat behind them. “Lu Han, can you put this in the back for me?” Sehun handed Lu Han his drawing pad and pencils.
“Daddy? Can I look through it?” Lu Han asked.
As Sehun started the car up, Lu Han opened up the notebook. He slowly turned the pages, holding them as if they were glass in his hands. He studied each work of art carefully. “Wow, this is so beautiful!” he exclaimed upon almost every page. “You’re amazing, Daddy. Everything is so pretty!”
“Thanks,” Sehun replied with a grin that Kai saw so big and blown up out of the corner of his eye. He tensed as Lu Han continued fawning over Sehun’s work. All the time. All the fucking time. Everyone always loved Sehun. Sehun was handsome, Sehun was charming, Sehun was a great artist. Never “Jongin is handsome, Jongin is charming, Jongin is a great writer.” And now Lu Han was saying it too. He knew he shouldn’t really care, because Lu Han wasn’t really of any use to Sehun except for sex. He knew he shouldn’t really care, because he didn’t even know Lu Han. But he knew he should care, because Lu Han was a stranger, and therefore could not be biased to either of them. And Lu Han just loved Sehun’s art.
“Why don’t you let Lu Han read some of your writing, Kai?” Sehun suggested. “You’re really good.”
Stop lying. Stop telling me all your fucking lies, just because you feel obligated to as my brother. Kai bit his lip. Of course, if he didn’t show Lu Han his writing, there wouldn’t be any praise. But then there wouldn’t be any ridicule either. Perhaps that was why he had a pen name, so that no one really knew it was him except for his family.
“Can I?” Lu Han asked, leaping forward in his seat to tap Kai’s shoulder. Kai swallowed. His notebook was cold in his hands, but the sweat was on his palms.
“Sorry, um, no,” he mumbled.
“Oh, okay.” Lu Han sat back in his seat, cradling Sehun’s drawing pad. “That’s okay, Kai.”
No, it’s not fucking okay at all. Kai wished he could just shove the notebook at Lu Han and let him read it, but then, he wasn’t good at what he did like Sehun was, so he didn’t.
Lu Han had his first drink. He was sitting in Sehun’s lap on a hot summer day, mid-July. Sehun popped open a can of beer, and Lu Han had watched curiously as he sipped from it.
“What does it taste like?” he asked. His skinny arms were wound around Sehun’s neck and his shorts rode up high. His shoes were off and it was warm, summery, the way it was supposed to be.
Sehun thought for a moment. “Like, for a first taste? Kind of bitter. Sour. Very crisp. It’s a little hard to explain. It’s kind of… different to everyone, I guess. Why?”
“Nothing, just wondering. I’ve never tasted it before,” Lu Han answered, fiddling with the thick strap of Sehun’s tank top.
“You’re a really good boy, huh?” Sehun said, combing Lu Han’s hair with his long fingers. “First smoke, first drink. Have you ever done anything bad before?”
“I’ve had sex before, that’s it.” He buried his face into Sehun’s neck, his cheeks warm. “I haven’t really done anything else.”
“Try it, then,” Sehun said, offering the beer to Lu Han, who took it. He stared at it for a moment with heavy lidded eyes. The liquid inside sloshed around with a sharp turn to an exit.
If someone had asked Lu Han to try a beer, or any alcoholic drink prior to this trip, he would’ve flat out said no, I’m underage, and besides, I don’t want to. But he was sitting on Sehun’s lap in a car with Sehun’s brother, the same car he had sex in, the same brother he had sex in front of. So he lifted it to his lips and took a sip. He swallowed, making a face. It was bitter, and sour, just like Sehun said. Kind of strange. Handing the beer back to Sehun, he returned to his previous position. “It’s funny, Daddy.”
“Kai doesn’t like beer, either,” Sehun muttered, taking a swig of the beer. “He doesn’t smoke. Doesn’t drink. Doesn’t really have sex, either. He’s a good guy.” He smirked to himself as he rubbed Lu Han’s scalp in the midst of combing his hair. “Kind of like you.”
“I don’t want to be a good boy,” Lu Han said back, tracing circles into Sehun’s chest. “I want to be a bad boy. I want to be crazy and wild. I want to have fun, and not care about anything at all.”
“Well, that’s what I’m here for.” Sehun grinned, and his hand dropped to massage Lu Han’s shoulder. It felt so warm and big and safe.
[ 2 ]