Live Fast, Die Young, Be Wild, and Have Fun
Dedicated to Anna and her 20th birthday.
The darkness had settled, and Lu Han had found the sleeping bags in the back and asked to sleep in them for the night.
“I don’t think we’ll all fit,” Kai mumbled, leaning against the car. He wasn’t too keen on sleeping next to Lu Han. Because he was a stranger, he told himself.
“Oh…” Lu Han’s voice was small. He toed the ground with his sneaker. “I just… I didn’t want you to have to sleep in the car like the past few days, sitting in the seats…”
“Hey, it’s okay baby. We can zip them up to each other, so we can all fit. Kai, Lu Han’s pretty small, too, so it’s not like he’s encroaching,” Sehun said. He wrapped his arm around Lu Han’s shoulders, earning a giggle in return. “What do you say?”
“Um…” Kai bit his lip. Lu Han was playing with Sehun’s long fingers. He cooed softly, and hugged Sehun like a baby would.
“You can sleep in car, if you’re really uncomfortable with this.”
“Okay,” Kai muttered, opening the door and hopping in as quickly as he could. It was either do it hesitantly or do it quickly; it was better to do it quickly, to avoid any thoughts he might have about Lu Han’s feelings.
“But…” Lu Han called after him. “Don’t you want to sleep with us? It’ll be so warm. And happy. Like…” He paused for a moment. “Like we’re a family.”
“Sehun and I are already family,” Kai said shortly. “You’re the one who isn’t part of our family.” And he slammed the door as quickly as he could, because he could not fucking believe what just left his mouth. He sat down heavily in the car, his bangs feeling strangely sticky on his forehead even though it was a cooler night. Sehun and Lu Han were zipping up the sleeping bags together to make a larger one. Something twisted in his stomach when he saw Lu Han wipe his eyes and Sehun come to give the boy a comforting hug and a kiss on the forehead. Sehun really was always a little more charming. It was either Sehun was really fucking cold and aloof or Kai was the shyest, most awkward person on the planet, and people tended to go for Sehun—Kai thought it was because, well, one, Sehun warmed up after a while, and he was handsome too, so people just gravitated toward him.
Sehun was writing something on his drawing pad now. He held it up to Lu Han; Kai could read it in the glow of the lamp.
Want to have some fun, baby? (¬‿¬)
Lu Han burst out laughing—alligator laugh, how he laughed whenever he was with Sehun. Kai made a face. How could anyone be that happy? Grudgingly, he arranged himself across the seats in the middle of the car and closed his eyes. The minty taste of brushing his teeth earlier (in a public water fountain; he and Sehun were used to it by now but the first few times were new for Lu Han) was gone, and replaced by something bitter. For a while—he wasn’t sure how long, but he was sure that it was quite some time—he lay there, trying to sleep, but the air pressed against him; intense, thick, and sweaty. He was alone, so he stripped down to his boxers. He laid back down, and after a while, almost fell asleep. But the sound of Sehun opening the door grabbed him from the edge of sleep, and he sat up quickly, although his eyes were droopy. He pulled his knees to his chest. “What’re you doing?”
“Getting a condom. And lube,” Sehun said casually.
“What…?” Kai rubbed his eyes with a sigh. Sehun was naked. Again. Well, no, not quite; he was shirtless and his dick was out of his pants. Kai was about to ask why but then he heard it; a long drawn out moan.
“Daddy!” Kai saw past Sehun’s broad shoulders—oh, holy fuck. When Sehun and Lu Han had sex in the car, Kai didn’t really pay much attention because he was driving. And he didn’t really pay much attention when Sehun fucked Lu Han against the car door on cooler days, because he was trying to write, but now—oh. Oh. Lu Han was writhing on the sleeping bag, cheeks red and eyes big and wet. His nipples were rubbed to a rosy shade of pink and his cute little dick was flushed and erect.
“See, you’re missing out on a lot.” A wide smirk crossed Sehun’s features. “Too bad. You’re always like this, so.” And his eyes were narrowed and his lips curled and he let out the most annoying scoff, “Tch.”
Kai’s face burned even more. He wanted to reply. He wanted to say something back. But he had no pencil and paper with him, only his tongue, and it was twisted. Somehow, he couldn’t look away no matter how hard he tried, so he was stuck with watching Sehun slam the door in his face with that stupid smirk. He didn’t mean to, but he clambered over to the window with awkward trembling limbs and flickering eyes. He watched. Soon enough Sehun pushed lubed fingers against and into Lu Han’s ass, and Kai watched as he pumped them in and out. A bulge was forming in his boxers and he just—he just—he just had to touch it. He slid his boxers off and left them on the seat. Sehun had slid the condom and lube on and settled in between Lu Han’s legs.
The window of the passenger seat was cracked open to let cool air in, but Kai found himself reaching over to press the button to roll the window down even more. His cock was leaking precome already, and for a moment, biting his lip, he stared at it. Was he a pervert? Did this count as something disgusting, watching his brother have sex with someone? He wasn’t creepy for doing this, was he? He was just… there. Sehun and Lu Han happened to be having sex. And he was hard; he might as well get rid of his erection. He grabbed Sehun’s bag, and luckily found an extra bottle of lube in it. He uncapped it and coated his hand with the lube. After he tossed the lube back into the bag, he reached down and stroked himself slowly at first, watching as Sehun sheathed himself inside Lu Han—oh, wow, he had always known Lu Han was beautiful, but just—oh—wow—what? His skin was beautiful. The lamp Sehun had placed next to the sleeping bag gave Lu Han a glow, like he was an angel, with his soft honey blonde hair and beautiful sparkling eyes. Kai bit his lip as he stroked himself harshly. Lu Han’s skin was so milky. Smooth. Even. And Sehun’s was pale, too.
Lu Han’s head was thrown back and Kai swiped his finger over his slit. Beautiful. Lu Han’s neck was a beautiful column, crafted by the Romans, the Greeks; a pillar that was part of a Temple, smooth and pale and he just really wanted to touch it, kiss it, caress it. Sehun was doing exactly that, holding Lu Han with his big hands and burying his face into that beautiful neck and kissing and sucking. Kai gripped himself harder, pumped himself harder, dug his thumb into his slit as much as he could. He was breathing hard, gripping onto nothing. Fist clenching, hand jerking, eyes wide, mouth dry.
He couldn’t help it.
It just popped out.
Because he liked the way Lu Han held onto Sehun. He liked the way Lu Han threw his head back and moaned, “Daddy!” He liked the way Lu Han’s legs were thrown over Sehun’s broad shoulders, so that he was bent in half. He liked the way Lu Han looked, getting fucked.
“Lu Han,” he whispered, his voice low and guttral, moving his hand faster still. Because he was Sehun. He was fucking Lu Han, and he saw Lu Han lying underneath him, cheeks pink and ears red and eyes squeezed shut. He saw blonde bangs slightly wet with sweat, sticking to a pale forehead. He heard Lu Han, moaning, squealing, breathing hard, with those airy little gasps. So Kai said it again, quietly moaning to himself, because he didn’t want Sehun or Lu Han to hear. But it was hard to keep his voice down with the way Lu Han squeezed him so well. He moved faster, thrust in wildly. And when he came, he shoved his fist into his mouth and bit his knuckles hard.
The come landed on the window, on the seat, on his hand. He slumped, breathing hard. He saw himself, his loins spattered with come. Saw himself, sweaty, naked, an animal. And he was alone. Lu Han was not with him. He dared to peek outside, because he was fucking masochistic, and saw Sehun cuddling Lu Han, kissing him, pulling off the condom. He saw Sehun help Lu Han crawl into the sleeping back, naked. He saw Lu Han hug and snuggle Sehun, burying his pink blushing face into Sehun’s neck—strong, thick.
Kai wiped the come off his hand, his legs, the windows, and the seat. He put all his clothes back on, even though it was sticky and hot inside the car. He lay down, his stomach feeling sick and his cheeks burning. And before he went to sleep, he thought of Lu Han; everything he could write about Lu Han. He could write a sonnet for him, poems of praise for his beauty, stories about him, essays—endless.
Lu Han woke up to Sehun spooning him in their conjoined sleeping bags. He turned over to face Sehun, whose hold tightened, and snuggled in. “Hi, Daddy,” Lu Han whispered, as to not wake Sehun up. Daddy’s really big, he thought to himself. Strong, protective, warm… He stroked Sehun’s broad shoulder and laid a kiss on his naked chest, on the tattoo. He traced each stroke of the character. His chest was really hard, made of muscle. Lu Han giggled and threaded his hands into Sehun’s hair, pulling himself up for a kiss.
“Mm… Baby,” Sehun mumbled groggily. Although his eyes were still closed, he kissed back gently. His hands were big and they moved in every single perfect way when they settled on Lu Han’s back. “How are you feeling, baby?” He pulled Lu Han in closer, so that the boy’s head rested on his chest. “Are you tired? Hmm, angel?”
“A little bit,” Lu Han confessed, tracing patterns into the skin of Sehun’s muscular arm.
“Did Daddy fuck you well?” Sehun asked with a chuckle. He was getting handsy again, and he grabbed Lu Han’s ass cheek, earning a yelp of surprise.
“Y—Yes,” Lu Han said into Sehun’s chest. Whenever Sehun referred to himself as ‘Daddy’, Lu Han felt a little more loved.
“Good.” Sehun’s hand was heavy on Lu Han’s bottom; just so heavy, big, and warm. And it sent tingles through Lu Han’s small body, made him cling to his Daddy even more, bury his face into that strong chest—a shield, his shield.
They stayed like that for a while, cuddling with each other in the conjoined sleeping bags. Everything was warm. Nothing could touch Lu Han now. He was safe, with his Daddy, in their tiny little house made of sleeping bags.
“Do you have a boyfriend at home, Lu Han?” Sehun asked. He started to stroke Lu Han’s back steadily.
“No,” Lu Han answered.
“Do you like anybody?”
Lu Han looked up, his eyes wide and his lips trembling. Because, well, he didn’t know how to say this. But he was fucking free, and he had nothing to lose. It was hard to say, but the worst that could happen was Sehun rejected him. And deep down, he knew that this wasn’t possible, for them to feel this way after only a few weeks, but he couldn’t explain it, couldn’t explain why—
“I like you,” Lu Han whispered. He ducked down, holding onto Sehun like he was a baby.
Sehun’s hand stopped. He didn’t respond. And all Lu Han heard was steady breathing and his own blood screaming.
“You make me crazy. You make me wild,” Lu Han murmured. “Before, I never would have thought I’d have sex with a stranger in front of his brother, in a car. I never thought I’d smoke. I never thought I’d drink, Daddy.”
Sehun grinned and ruffled his hair. And Lu Han exhaled. “Well, I like you too, baby. You’re a good boy gone bad.”
And Lu Han just couldn’t stop smiling.
They were parked again. Kai sat with his legs up to his chest and his feet bare and sticking to the car seat. His notebook was flimsy and cold in his hands. He would’ve brought his laptop, but he didn’t come on this trip to hang around in hotels. Inspiration came from all over the place. But he still couldn’t find the perfect muse for his writing. He threw his head back against the seat and let out a sigh. Lu Han was napping in the back, wrapped up in a thin blanket like a little baby even though it was sticky and hot. Sehun was outside drawing. He always had creativity flowing out of him, seeping from his pores. It was like he was born with creativity as his blood.
“What am I doing?” Kai wondered to himself. Because, well, what was the point of this? Driving from coast to coast. He knew Sehun really wanted to go to Hawaii. But he just had to have writer’s block, and Sehun just had to convince him to go on a trip to solve it. It was all his fault, wasn’t it? They were somewhat of starving artists, and now Sehun would have to save even more money.
“Are you okay?” Lu Han’s sleepy, breathy voice floated over to Kai. He heard the rustling of the blanket being pushed aside, and then Lu Han poked his head through the space between the front seats. “What’s wrong, Kai?”
Kai blushed red and scooted closer to the window. “Nothing.” Lu Han rubbed his eyes sleepily and clambered over with clumsy flailing limbs to sit on the driver’s side. He brushed the hair out of his eyes and sat akin to Kai’s position. “I can help,” he said with a yawn.
“No, really, I’m fine—Hey!” Lu Han had snatched his notebook and began looking through it. “H—Hey… Can I have that back? Please don’t look through it!”
Lu Han drew back far, cradling the open notebook on his lap. “You haven’t written anything for a while,” he noted. “The dates are so far apart.”
Kai sighed. “Just don’t read them…”
Lu Han shrugged. “So you’re not getting your muse back?” Lu Han asked. He blinked several times in a row, his eyelashes fluttering like the wings of a butterfly. Kai swallowed thickly and ran a hand through his hair.
“No. I can’t think of anything to write about.” Except for you. “But when I do, I still can’t write. The words just don’t come out.” In my mind they do. In my mind, they do when I think about you.
“I know I’m not the most inspiring person, but Sehun is able to draw and take photos of me. Maybe you could write something about me. Describe me, to get the ideas moving?”
Kai scoffed without thinking. “I don’t want to write about you.” Yes I do. “All you do is have sex with my brother.”
Lu Han didn’t seem to react at first, aside from shrugging. “Well, then write about that.”
“I don’t write erotic fiction!”
“I’m just trying to help you, Kai,” Lu Han said. “I know it’s not good to force it out, but you should just do it to get the ideas churning, you know?”
“No!” Kai snapped, fisting handfuls of his hair. “I don’t! I don’t see what the point is of writing when you aren’t good at it! I don’t see the point of it if you aren’t pleased with what you’re doing!”
“Kai… I thought…” Lu Han fell silent. Shaking his head, he opened the notebook and started reading. Kai would’ve screamed and tried to get the notebook back from him, but he could just hear a chorus chanting, “Hypocrite! Hypocrite!” at him. What he just said was a total opposite of what he told Lu Han before. He looked away, out to the empty road. The trees rustled in the breeze, and the sound of cicadas filled the air between them. Yet no matter the sounds, Kai couldn’t help but feel the awkwardness of the situation press at him. His jaw was tensed and he felt something pricking at his eyes. He heard the flipping of pages.
“You’re good, Kai. Really, really good. And this is when you have no inspiration? Honestly? How could you hate your writing?” Lu Han was looking at him now, eyes so strong and amazement on his face.
Kai shook his head, that lump in throat too big, much too big. “Stop. Fucking. Lying. I don’t want you to lie to me, okay? Don’t feel like you have to tell me I’m good when I’m not, just because you’re hitching a ride with us and need to suck up. Everyone else is way better than me, so.”
Lu Han stared. “I can’t believe you. You think I’m lying? You think I would be as rude as to build you up and let you get knocked down by others? That is fucking rude. You’re just really fucking rude. You think I’m not honest. What if I really did enjoy it? Are you insulting my taste in writing? I write way worse than this, so if you think that this writing is bad—”
“Shut up! Don’t turn it around on me like that!” Kai snapped. “I hate people like you. I hate when people try to make it about themselves, and use the ‘You’re better than I am, so stop complaining’ shit. Don’t do that. It just makes me feel worse that I’m—I’m being—” Fucking rude to you.
There was a long pause. Kai turned away, and focused on Sehun. Sehun, his brother, who always told him he was great at writing—but only because they were brothers. Sehun, who always managed to be better at everything, except for writing, but he wasn’t a writer, so it didn’t matter. Sehun, who was great at what he did, great at drawing and painting and photography and—
Finally, Lu Han spoke. “Weren’t you the one who said you should write if you like it?” His voice was soft. Choked. Like his throat was closing up on itself. “Weren’t you the one who said it didn’t matter if your work was good or not? Didn’t you say it’s okay not to be the best?”
“Yeah, well, I guess I’m just a fucking hypocrite,” Kai spat, never meeting Lu Han’s eyes. But there was a lump in his throat, and he couldn’t keep the tears or the shaking of his voice away. His jaw clenched when he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks.
Lu Han crawled over to him. Sehun’s t-shirt was huge on him, and the shorts he was wearing weren’t as long as Kai pretended to hope for them to be, but not as short as he really wanted. Lu Han was on his hands and knees now. His left hand was supporting himself on Kai’s seat, while his knees were still on the driver’s seat. He reached over and brushed away Kai’s tears.
“Stop it,” Kai whispered. “I don’t care if you think I’m a hypocrite. You’re a fucking hypocrite too. You don’t believe it. You don’t believe that people should do something they love even if it doesn’t pay well, even if it’s something they’re not good at. Stop it. Stop acting like you understand. Stop trying to turn this on me. You don’t believe it.” Kai sniffed. He felt positively disgusting. His nose was beginning to run and it was probably red and his eyes were puffy and teary and he was just a mess. He swatted Lu Han’s hand away and curled into an even tighter ball. “You never believed it,” he mumbled into his knees. “I can fucking tell.”
“I did believe it,” Lu Han insisted. He reached out for Kai again, this time stroking his hair. The position was a little uncomfortable, and his knees were starting to hurt, but he didn’t care. He caressed Kai’s cheek with his thumb. “I believed it when you said it.”
“Stop fucking lying,” Kai hissed, grabbing Lu Han’s wrist. It was so small, so skinny, but he never noticed, and he gripped it hard and furiously. “Shut up. I don’t want to hear you speak.”
“Kai, Kai…” Lu Han was speaking in such a sweet voice. So soothing, so gentle; his voice reminded Kai of his mother’s.
“Stop it, stop it, get the fuck away from me!” Kai cried, letting go of Lu Han’s wrist and hugging himself. Stay with me. Don’t leave me now. Don’t say goodbye. Don’t turn around.
But Lu Han withdrew. He left Kai high and dry, curled up in the seat. And Kai knew, without lifting his head from his knees, because even though Lu Han’s sweet vanilla scent lingered, there was no cool cold warmth. It was all sticky, all humid, and there was no crisp freshness to the air that surrounded him. He did not hear Lu Han’s breathing, and instead, he heard the soft rustle of clothing moving, the door opening and slamming. And he knew, but he didn’t dare look up, to face the reality.
They always left in the end. Lu Han probable left to go snuggle up to Sehun. Always. It was always Sehun everyone liked. It didn’t matter that he was one of the scariest people in their high school, in their university. He was handsome, and people gravitated toward that.
The door that he was leaning on was jerked open, and he almost fell out backwards, had Lu Han’s soft plushy hands not stopped him. Lu Han pulled him out by the arm, and he instinctively cried out. The tears were back, because this was someone who didn’t leave him, this was someone who took him by the hand, took him somewhere new.
“Come with me!” Lu Han yelled in his ear. Kai could literally feel the sunshine and rainbows and candy and honey dripping from his voice. How could someone so sad cover it up like that? Their elbows were linked together, and Lu Han pulled Kai faster and faster. All he saw was grass, grass everywhere, with the tiniest trees dotting the horizon—or maybe they were big, he didn’t know; maybe they were big and just very very far—and he was sure Sehun was turning and watching them run, run, run out into the large field, like it was endless, because it was.
He felt Lu Han’s bony elbow stab him in the side quite a few times, but he couldn’t care less. The tears were still streaming down his face, but he saw that they were on Lu Han’s cheeks too, so he didn’t question them. He didn’t wipe them away, and instead, he saw Lu Han, only Lu Han, with his soft, fluffy blonde hair and a big, stupid grin on his beautiful face. And he was laughing and crying and screaming with Lu Han, all at the same time, and he had no idea what was going on, what was happening, because just two minutes ago he was pushing Lu Han, a stranger, away, but now, he was running like a child with his best friend in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of somewhere, the Midwest, maybe, but he had no idea. He wasn’t twenty-five hanging around a stranger anymore. He was eleven, and Lu Han was also eleven, the best friend he never had. They were running fast, much too fast, and Lu Han was the first to fall. He brought Kai down on top of him, and for a moment, the grass was not moving and neither were the trees and neither were they. Lu Han was beautiful underneath him, with glowing skin and angel hair and sparkling eyes and red red lips and the cutest button nose and Kai just felt himself push himself down on purpose, fall on purpose, so that their lips met.
He wasn’t eleven anymore. He was twenty-five. And Lu Han wasn’t eleven, either. He was eighteen. Kai pushed himself off quickly, because, well, Sehun had Lu Han, right? He had never fought over someone with Sehun, and he didn’t think he’d like to. Besides, there was no fighting when Sehun already had someone. And he could try to pretend that Sehun didn’t like Lu Han, but he saw the way they looked at each other.
Kai sat with his knees bent and his elbows resting on them. Lu Han sat up in the grass, his hair messy and puffy and his eyes wet. Very wet.
“Kai?” he said in a small voice.
Kai grunted. Don’t call me that anymore.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” No, I’m not. He didn’t dare look at Lu Han, didn’t dare look at the sad little boy with his big puppy eyes and tear stained cheeks and angel hair and soft smooth pale skin and cutest button nose and red red lips. He kept his eyes focused on Sehun, a small figure in the distance. Sehun, who seemed not to care about them.
Kai scoffed. He laughed, and his laugh was as dry as the grass they sat in. Lu Han’s feet were small and pale. Kai tried not to notice how his own were tan. “For what?”
“I don’t know,” Lu Han whispered, his voice almost disappearing into the rustling of the trees that had resumed. “For dragging you out here. And back there. I made you cry, didn’t I?”
“Well, I made you cry, so.”
Lu Han scooted closer. His shirt was falling off his shoulder. Kai moved away, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off the beautiful display before him. Lu Han was coming closer, closer, and closer still, with those big wet eyes and trembling pink plushy lips. “I don’t want Kai to cry anymore.” He was curled up next to Kai now, like a little baby, so warm and sweet and, oh, he smelled like vanilla. Kai gulped, the sweat from running becoming deathly cold as Lu Han’s soft lips brushed his jaw. Lu Han’s knee bumped Kai’s; his little nose poked Kai’s cheekbone. He felt Lu Han’s soft body press into his, and his arms moved on their own.
“Stop being such a slut!” Kai shouted, shoving Lu Han away. He scrambled to his feet, his chest heaving, and not from running. Lu Han was sprawled on his back, his eyes wide and glassy and his lips trembling.
“W—What?” Lu Han gasped out in a small voice.
“First you fuck with my brother. Now you’re—you’re trying to fuck with me, aren’t you, you fucking whore!” Kai shouted. He didn’t know what he was saying; everything was just coming out whether he meant to say it or not, whether he really thought it was true or not. Lu Han shook his head frantically and scrabbled away as fast as someone could on his back.
“No, that’s not what I—“
Kai lost it. He wasn’t good with words like Sehun was, no, not without a pencil and a paper. It wasn’t fair, either, that Lu Han clung to Sehun like a baby and whispered, “I like you, Daddy” every fucking second. It wasn’t fair, how everyone flocked to Sehun. Lu Han was just the same. He liked his Daddy, but not Kai. And Kai didn’t know how to speak, didn’t know how to express himself off paper, so he ended up just shouting, “Shut up! Just shut the fuck up!”
Lu Han burst into tears.
Kai bit his lip, hard, and he clenched his fists. He needed to hit something, punch something, anything. But Lu Han looked so tiny and weak and little curled up in a ball like that, and Kai found himself ready to punch himself instead. So he stalked off, back to the car, where he jumped into the driver’s seat this time. He grabbed the notebook, squeezing it had with both hands, so that the binding spring dug into his palm and his knuckles felt ready to turn inside out. With an angry sob, he wrenched the door open and threw the notebook, as hard as he could, anywhere, everywhere, nowhere. It landed on the road. Kai stepped to it, dropped down to his knees and ignored the pain shooting into his legs. He opened the notebook and ripped out all the pages, snarling like an animal, crying like a boy, hating himself like a man.
Sehun didn’t seem to notice. He was taking photos of the scenery. Or perhaps, he didn’t care.
Kai’s tears stained the pages. The ink smeared. He stood slowly, watching the wind carry the pages away.
He turned his back on his work. He opened the door to the middle of car—neither the passenger’s side, nor the driver’s side—and heaved himself in. He slammed the door closed, and lay down on the seats. His feet burned, his hands ached, his heart twisted, his eyes stung.
But he closed them anyway.
Kai woke up to the sound of soft angelic giggling. Drunk angelic giggling, actually. He sat up and stretched, his spine popping. The first thing he noticed about his surroundings was that he was in a bed, a warm one at that. The second was that Lu Han’s hair was no longer blonde; it was pink, and he was wearing tiny shorts and an oversized sweater that hung loosely off his small shoulders.
He was dancing. His hair was puffing up and down as he jumped and hopped around; a black iPod was stuck in his pocket and the wire of his earbuds bounced around along with him.
Kai rubbed his eyes and sighed. “What are you doing?”
“You’re awake!” Lu Han cheered, wobbling over with clumsy footsteps and bouncy pale thighs. He tackled Kai back down onto the bed. “You’ve been sleeping forever.” He smelled like beer, and he giggled, tossing his hair out of his eyes as he settled down on top of Kai. He bounced a little, making the man underneath him groan. Lu Han was sitting right on top of his crotch.
“Lu Han, get off,” Kai muttered, trying desperately not to look at Lu Han’s smiley face and bright rosy red cheeks and clumsy flailing limbs. Instead he focused on saggy breasts and old men in speedos and Sehun naked. Ew. Gross. Disgusting.
“No!” Lu Han placed his tiny hands on Kai’s chest and bounced with even more enthusiasm.
“Lu Han, stop it,” Kai said warningly. He grabbed Lu Han’s skinny little stick wrists. He pushed Lu Han back as he sat up, his face red and burning. “Please get off me.”
“But,” Lu Han whimpered, “but I…”
“Just stop it!” Kai pushed him back, hard, maybe too hard, because Lu Han fell back sprawled on the bed like before, when they were in the field. Kai scrambled back, pulling his legs up to his chest.
“But…” Lu Han sat up, his hair sticking up a little. His eyes were big and glassy and his lips were red and wet. He pulled the earbuds out and slowly set aside his iPod. “You don’t like me? Kai doesn’t like me?”
“Yes! I mean, no! I mean yes. No. God, fuck it all,” Jongin muttered, running a hand through his hair. It was beginning to feel greasy. He needed to shower, brush his teeth, wash up. Needed to eat, needed to go back to sleep, needed to just get away from Lu Han and his giant watery brown eyes.
“Kai doesn’t like me,” Lu Ham whined, assuming the same position as Kai and bringing his pale legs up to his chest. They were strong and toned; Kai vaguely remembered him saying something a while ago about playing soccer. The shorts hit mid-thigh and Kai got a full view of milky white skin. He gulped, and averted his eyes.
“Leave me alone.”
“Why don’t you like me, Kai?”
Clenching his jaw, Kai bit his lip and whipped his eyes back onto Lu Han. No longer did he feel out of control with the gaze of those big brown eyes, the sad little face, like a kicked puppy’s. Instead, all he felt was red.
“Why do you always bother me!? Just because your ‘Daddy’ is away, you come over and nag me with your fucking cutesy shit? You’re so fucking annoying. I have no idea why Sehun even wants you. Fuck, I don’t think he even needs you! You’re—You’re just a toy for him to play with. He, just, he runs out of patience pretty quickly, so—so—you should just get your fucking ass back to Boston or wherever you’re from, and stop bothering us. Sehun has a lot of fucking creativity, but I don’t, and you’re just—just—“
Well, fuck, he just never knew how to speak.
Lu Han was crawling toward him, his shirt hanging low and Kai could see down it. He saw the shadows his ribs made on his pale skin, he saw small toffee nipples, saw so far down that he was basically saying hello to Lu Han’s little belly button.
Lu Han sat down next to him, even as Kai tried to move away. Lu Han slung his skinny, bony little arms around Kai’s curled up body and hugged him tightly. And Kai’s brain was screaming at him to move, to push Lu Han away, but he couldn’t stop the tears from forming in his eyes, couldn’t stop the aching of his heart, so he found himself unable to move at all.
“Why are you sad?” Lu Han mumbled into Kai’s shoulder. “Don’t be sad.”
“We’re just going to get into the same thing we did in the car,” Kai sobbed into his knees. “Just go away.” I’ll only end up hurting you.
“Go away! Can’t you taking a fucking hint?”
“Kai,” Lu Han sniffed, removing his face from his shoulder. His little nose was red like a reindeer’s. “You don’t want me?”
“You don’t need me?” Lu Han whimpered. He grabbed the blankets and hugged them close. His eyes never left Kai’s. “My real daddy left, so I wasn’t enough to make him stay. My mommy made me leave, too. And you s—said that Sehun doesn’t really want me either… And you… You don’t like me? Do you want me to leave and never come back?”
“What? Oh, shit, don’t—don’t—Cry…” Kai trailed off as Lu Han buried his face into the pillows and starting sobbing. His cries were loud and penetrating. And Kai couldn’t run away like before. He was alone in the hotel room with a crying boy, and he had no idea what to do. “H—Hey! That’s… That’s not what I meant! I just meant you were getting kind of annoying—No! I mean, I mean… Uh… Just… Just don’t cry! Don’t cry okay? Please stop crying!” Kai begged helplessly. But Lu Han burrowed further into the blankets, crying with heartbreaking sobs that echoed throughout the room.
“H—Hey. Hey. It’s okay. Please… stop crying… I have no idea what to do,” Kai moaned. Lu Han was hugging both the pillows with his skinny arms and not stopping. “Oh! A story! Um, I’ll read you a story.” But then Kai remembered that he tore up his notebook with all his writing, and they definitely weren’t back by that field. And he would’ve told a story straight from his brain, but he wasn’t Sehun; he wasn’t good with his words, so he shut his mouth and thought of the paper. The paper was probably floating in the wind and fluttering onto the grass like some messed up crumpled butterflies. He would’ve dwelled on it more, but Lu Han’s cries were so persistent that he couldn’t. So Kai did the only thing he knew how to do. He fixed the blankets around Lu Han, and left.
Two words were bitter in his mouth. I’m sorry. They were everywhere, stuck to the insides of his cheeks, slathering his teeth in his saliva. I’m sorry. They attacked his taste buds, ripped through his gums. I’m sorry. He tried washing them away, with water. But they surged through the rest of his body, and even when he stood in the shower and let the water run over him, he was still sullied. I’m sorry. Somehow his tongue was twisted and he couldn’t look down no matter how he tried.
Kai massaged the hotel shampoo through his hair. It smelled like vanilla; like Lu Han. But not as sweet, not as beautiful. The tile of the shower stall was cold against his feet and his brain was throbbing, right behind his eyes. But he didn’t want to dry off and return to the hotel room just yet, because then he’d be helpless and awkward once again.
The door of the bathroom creaked open. Kai’s head snapped up. He slid over to poke his head out of the shower curtain to see Lu Han shuffling in barefoot. His eyes were a little puffy and his nose was pink. He rubbed his eyes with little fists curled and shielded by the too-long sleeves of his oversized sweater.
“What do you want?” Kai mumbled, his cheeks reddening not only at the cute sight but also at the fact was fucking naked and holy shit his skin was showing all over. Thank God for the shield made of the shower curtain. But Lu Han seemed not to even pay attention to him. He stood, pigeon-toed, and never met Kai’s eyes. His hands were behind his back, and his newly dyed hair hung in front of his eyes.
“What are you doing here?”
Lu Han didn’t reply. Instead, he wordlessly rubbed his eyes again and began stripping.
“H—Hey! What are you—“ Kai’s voice died in his throat. He’d never get over seeing Lu Han’s body. It wasn’t just the pale skin. He was beautiful, smooth, gorgeous, perfect; sculpted by God so perfectly. Lu Han dropped the sweater on the floor. Kai gulped, his shamefully greedy eyes drinking up the sight of Lu Han and his little nipples. So cute.
“W—Wait,” he heard himself say as Lu Han pulled down his briefs. But no. He didn’t want Lu Han to wait. He wanted Lu Han to keep going.
Lu Han shook his head, rubbing his eyes again. Kai swallowed thickly, his throat closing up. Lu Han really did have beautiful, strong, toned legs; a cute little belly button, and a tiny little dick. But here, Lu Han was not making love with Sehun. He was a boy, standing in front of Kai, and he happened to be naked. No longer did Kai sexualize Lu Han in his mind. Lu Han was still beautiful, but Kai noticed that his arms were like sticks, even more so next to his torso, and his ribs stuck out like piano keys that Mozart would have loved to play on. His collarbones popped out; ranges, ridges, like the Appalachian Mountains, the Rocky Mountains, the Andes Mountains. And his hips; they jutted out like sea shells sticking up in white sand.
So Kai found himself asking, “Are you okay?”
Sometimes people just needed to be asked those three words. Are you okay? It was a question; like How are you? What’s up? that was thrown around as everyday speech. But sometimes you need to be asked that, from someone who cares, from someone who wonders, from someone who needs you.
Lu Han sniffled.
He walked closer, and pushed aside the shower curtain. Kai stepped aside, totally forgetting about his state of dress, and welcomed Lu Han in.
“Are you okay?” he asked again. Lu Han huddled under the spray of the shower. He was slightly bent over, and each vertebrae of his spine stuck out.
“I’m fine,” Lu Han whispered, his voice almost lost in the water. Then he straightened up, smiling, and said it again. “I’m fine.”
Kai bit the inside of his cheek, hard. “No you’re not. Just look at you. Are you eating okay?”
Lu Han brushed the wet bangs out of his eyes. “Please pass me the shampoo.”
“Tell me what’s wrong first.”
“Nothing is wrong.”
“Then why are you—“
“So skinny?” Lu Han finished for him. He side stepped Kai and reached for the shampoo and squirted a glob on his palm. Kai nodded. “I don’t know.”
“Have you been eating?” Kai mumbled, feeling oddly stupid now.
“Of course I have,” Lu Han answered, rubbing the shampoo into his pink hair. “The weight… just won’t stay on. I don’t know. Well, I guess I’ve been eating okay. Daddy feeds me. I like that.” He fell silent. Kai looked at him. He felt fully clothed, like they were just in the car talking. He could barely have time to think about his own state of nakedness, his skin that he hated so much.
“You’re really beautiful.”
They said it at the same time. The words hung in the air for a moment, but plummeted down to the tiles like they were the water.
“I’m not.” Kai was the first to say it.
“You are. I’m just the one who is not,” Lu Han said with a laugh. And it chilled Kai to the very marrow of his bone; what happened to the boy he knew? What happened to the sweet, babyish, childlike little eighteen-year-old he knew? But maybe he never knew Lu Han. After all, he was a stranger.
Kai shook his head. “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”
Lu Han’s hands stopped, He looked at Kai, with warm brown eyes, with dripping eyelashes like wet lace. Kai bit his lip and leaned against the wall. And he realized it; how naked he was. He reached for the towel on the rack, ready to leap out and run back to the hotel room. But Lu Han’s small hand shot out and rested on his wrist.
“W—What?” Kai squeaked.
Lu Han drew closer. He was blinking almost a hundred times a second. But Kai only saw one intense stare. His hand drifted up, to caress Kai’s strong jaw. He was right in front of Kai, clear, beautiful, glowing, like an angel. The water was a dull echo in the background, if they heard it at all. Then Lu Han pressed forward and kissed him.
His lips were so wet, so smooth. Kai trembled, his body hitting the cold, slimy tiles of the wall. But he didn’t care. Because Lu Han was there, kissing him, stroking his face. His eyes were closed, but Kai couldn’t bring himself to do the same. Because he needed it; needed to absorb everything he saw, before it was too late and gone.
And it was; Lu Han withdrew, but his hand was still on Kai’s cheek. “Do you need me?” he whispered.
Kai nodded frantically. His hands shook and his hair was sticking to his forehead and he hated the way his skin contrasted with Lu Han’s but he loved it and he didn’t know what to do except push himself off the wall and hold Lu Han, like they were lovers.
His brain screamed at him to take this chance. But then again, his brain was always split. He liked Lu Han. He didn’t like Lu Han. He wanted to make love to Lu Han. He didn’t want to make love to Lu Han. He knew Lu Han was probably a tiny bit drunk, maybe tipsy, because he smelled like a strange combination of vanilla and beer, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Yet Lu Han was Sehun’s, and you just don’t sweep your brother’s lovers off his feet. Lu Han wasn’t Sehun’s, because Sehun never needed anyone. Because Sehun was not the man Lu Han thought he was. Because Sehun was a dark, cold person. At least, that was what Kai thought.
Kai’s brain chose a side this time. Or maybe, It just ignored the other.
With his hands tangled in pink hair, he pulled Lu Han in for a kiss once more. Lu Han’s tiny hands slid under his arms and settled on his back, stroking his shoulder blades, smoothing over his spine. His hands were everywhere, just touching, running over and up and down, like he loved Kai’s skin—beautiful, golden skin in Lu Han’s eyes, disgusting dark skin in Kai’s.
Kai pushed Lu Han back under the water and massaged his conditioned hair silently as they kissed. He kept it PG-13 for a while, just kissing Lu Han’s forehead, cheeks, nose, and lips as he rinsed soft pink hair. He took the soap in his hands, got them nice and sudsy, and began rubbing the soap all over Lu Han’s body. It was innocent at first, like he was a father taking care of his baby—strange, maybe this was how Sehun felt; he might actually take back his disgust with it. It gave him a sense of power; but a responsible power. He was taking care of Lu Han; he held so much of Lu Han’s trust in his hand. And he felt stronger somehow, better about himself, like he was a little more adequate. Lu Han nuzzled into the touch, mewling when Kai rubbed the soap on his chest and accidentally nudged his nipples. To be honest, he did spend quite a bit of time washing them. Kai bit his lip, wondering if he should go on. He rubbed more soap on his hands and slowly slid his hand around Lu Han, to start washing up his soft bottom. It was small, but so…
“Squishy baby,” Kai blurted out. Lu Han burst out into soft laughter, not the raucous alligator laugh he had around Sehun, but still enough to make Kai laugh off what he thought was his own idiocy.
“K—Kai,” Lu Han whispered, his smile fading. His small hands rested on Kai’s chest, and he leaned closer, gasping softly as Kai squeezed his soft globes. A moan escaped his lips when Kai’s shy fingers slid between his cheeks and prodded at his entrance.
“Call me Jongin,” Kai found himself saying breathlessly. His soap covered finger rubbed the entrance slowly, and then he pushed it in knuckle deep. His other hand came to rest on the side of Lu Han’s chest. Deciding to try something more, he rubbed Lu Han’s nipple with his thumb while pumping his finger in and out of Lu Han’s entrance.
“Kai… Jongin,” Lu Han moaned, arching his back beautifully. His chest was thrust forward into Kai’s touch. Kai lowered himself slightly to lick at the little nipple; it hardened and he took it in his mouth, sucking gently, rolling the bud between his teeth. The position was a little awkward but Lu Han was moaning still, and that was good enough for Kai.
“I…” Lu Han groaned when Kai added a second finger. Kai removed his lips, straightened up and kissed Lu Han again. He was aching; he was hard, just by staring at this beautiful angel. Lu Han’s hands left Kai’s chest. He coated them in shampoo, grabbed Kai’s thick dick and pumped, hard and fast with quick flicks of his wrist. Kai’s fingers were still buried inside Lu Han’s ass but they were unmoving as he thrust up hungrily into Lu Han’s small hands. Kai broke the kiss, smashing his forehead against Lu Han’s as he breathed hard and heavily. He masturbated quite a lot before—although he had a hard time doing it while living with Sehun, who seemed to be everywhere at once with his judging, rolling eyes—and he had hooked up and had sex a few times, but never like this. This was different.
He opened his eyes and saw Lu Han’s big brown eyes and lacy eyelashes flooding his vision. Lu Han’s breathing came out in soft puffs as he both pushed his hips back and forth for some movement inside him and pumped Kai’s cock at the same time. Kai felt a little bad for neglecting him, so he began to loosen Lu Han by hooking his fingers and gently pressing in one direction, then another, and another. At the same time, he looked down, and saw his cock, flushed and big in Lu Han’s delicate hands. It was such a strange sight, because he felt like a fucking animal, wanting so much sex and pleasure, while Lu Han was holding him in his beautiful angel hands. Everything about Lu Han was small and delicate, not to say he wasn’t strong. His muscles in his thighs and calves were toned, but he was still beautiful like Aphrodite. His hands, his feet, his arms; they were all smooth and soft and small. His nose was cute, so were his lips and ears. His eyes were the only big things on him. Even his dick was little, so small and cute. Kai reached down with his free hand to rub at it.
“Jongin,” Lu Han gasped, his hand pumping slower as Kai rubbed him faster and wrenched his fingers out. “N—No… I don’t want to come yet—Kai… Jongin!”
Kai kissed Lu Han’s forehead and hushed him, a strange sense of confidence flooding him. Lu Han was putty in his hands. This was how Sehun felt. Power, it was something all humans loved. “I want to make love to you,” he whispered. He didn’t know about Lu Han, but to him, it sure was making love.
“I want you,” Lu Han choked out. His bangs were sticking to his head from all the water, which ran down his face beautifully, making his lips and cheeks and neck shine. “Please…”
“I don’t have a condom,” Kai mumbled, his face red. “I mean, I just… They’re back in the hotel room.” This was awkward. He never was good with words, not like Sehun was. “Um, sorry, for… Uh, ruining the moment—“ Lu Han was looking at him with half lidded eyes and still fucking pumping him; but lazily now, slowly, with languid strokes. Kai’s hands were completely frozen as he stared back at Lu Han, his cheeks red. “I got tested for STDs and whatever…And plus, Sehun was your first time, right? Well, he and I both got tested just recently… It’s just that I’m just afraid of bare backing,” he confessed. Well, fuck. He could’ve slapped himself for making this so much more awkward. He hoped Lu Han wasn’t soft yet, but he couldn’t bring himself to check in case that was reality.
Lu Han laughed; this time, his loud alligator laugh that he had with Sehun. He wound his arms around Kai’s neck and kissed his cheek. “Relax,” he murmured. “We don’t have to do it here. Let’s dry off.” He reached for the towels on the rack and made to dry Kai first, but Kai snatched the towel away with a burning red face and muttered a soft, “I’ll do it.” He toweled himself dry and Lu Han turned the shower off. Then he reached out for Lu Han and dried him, too, rubbing the soft pink locks with care. He treated Lu Han like a princess, drying him slowly and carefully—well, maybe all the attention to Lu Han’s nipples wasn’t just because he wanted to be ‘careful’ and ‘meticulous’. They were hard and perky again by the end and Lu Han was squealing and whining, desperate to touch them himself.
“I’ve got you,” Kai murmured. He picked Lu Han up easily, earning a surprised squeal and a bunch of flailing limbs as he walked back to the hotel room, naked. He set Lu Han down on the bed and brushed the hair out of his eyes. “Let me get the condom and lube, okay?”
Lu Han nodded, his cheeks flushed and his small dick still hard. Kai breathed a sigh of relief. Once he had the necessary materials, he knelt in between Lu Han’s spread legs and slid on the condom and covered himself with lube. Then he dabbed a little on Lu Han’s puckered hole and settled on top.
“Are you ready?”
“It’s not my first time,” Lu Han said with a laugh. “You can be rough with me. You know,” he giggled, his cheeks red, “I don’t think you even have to prep me. D—Daddy’s fucked me so much lately that I barely need it.” Kai blushed, his arms shaking and his dick throbbing. Lu Han reached out and wrapped his skinny arms around Kai’s neck, pulling him closer. His legs spread even wider as Kai positioned himself right in front of his entrance. He sheathed himself inside with one fluid movement, thanking God that he was able to do something without screwing up.
“You’re really big,” Lu Han complimented him with flushed cheeks and a beautiful smile. Kai managed to smile back, awkwardly, because, well, he had seen Sehun’s dick plenty of times. He was sure Sehun was much bigger than he was, so he wasn’t sure why Lu Han was telling him this if he had had Sehun so many times anyway.
“Stop thinking about him.” Lu Han’s hand stroked his cheek. “You don’t have to compare yourself to him. You may be twins, but you’re different people.”
Kai bit his lip, wondering if Lu Han was a mind reader. He was stuck inside Lu Han, dick still hard and throbbing, yet he was thinking about how Sehun probably fucked Lu Han better.
“Make love to me,” Lu Han urged him. “Isn’t that what you wanted to do?” He looked up at Kai with big, needy brown eyes. And he begged. “Please, Jongin. Move. I need you. I need you to do this. Please. Let me feel needed. Not just by Sehun, but also you.”
So Kai did as he was told; he thrust in and out of Lu Han. And he saw nothing but Lu Han, nothing but a beautiful boy underneath him, a beautiful boy with pink hair and angel eyes and a cute button nose. A boy, with soft pale skin, that Kai loved loved loved against his own tanned skin.
“Faster, harder,” Lu Han moaned. “I… I told you,” he gasped, “it’s okay to be rough with me.” Kai grunted and pulled out. He pushed pale legs against Lu Han’s chest, so that he was bent in two, and reentered in one swift hard movement. Lu Han screamed Kai’s name, and it was beautiful.
With a growl, Kai drove in, the bed creaking and the pillows falling off. Lu Han’s legs were slung over Kai’s shoulders, and he rutted in, nothing in his mind but Lu Han. The thoughts of not being as good as Sehun, the brother that was better than him at everything, were gone. The thoughts of his skin were gone, except for His looks beautiful against mine, and mine looks beautiful against his. He had no words once again, neither on his mouth nor in his brain, but did it matter? He didn’t need them.
He came with a shudder and a gasp. Lu Han was so fucking tight and velvety around him, and he was squeezing and spasming so hard that Kai spilled himself inside.
“Lu Han,” he moaned, burying his face into his lover’s neck. He heard Lu Han’s soft pants, felt the clenching around his cock. He didn’t want to remove himself just yet, but he was getting oversensitive so he regretfully pulled out of the warmth and peeled off the condom with tired hands.
It wasn’t perfect; Lu Han hadn’t come yet and Kai was ashamed to say that perhaps he hadn’t been able to stimulate him from the inside. He didn’t waste a second; Lu Han was gasping and moaning and beginning to touch himself. Kai pushed his two dry fingers into Lu Han without warning and began probing for his sensitive spot. He pressed and rubbed, until Lu Han squealed, arching his back up. Kai grinned to himself, feeling oddly confident. He rubbed at that same spot, feeling it get harder and harder and bigger and bigger as he stimulated it more.
“Jongin,” Lu Han whined, the hands he used to stroke himself stuttering. Kai helped him and began rubbing the tip with his thumb as he massaged Lu Han’s prostate. Soon enough Lu Han was arching his back even higher than before, and with a cry of Jongin’s name, he came, his come splattering onto his tummy, his chest, one drop even landing on his chin, along with Kai’s big hand. He quickly retracted his fingers. He pulled the blankets up around them, picked up the fallen pillows, and arranged Lu Han into a little cocoon to keep him loved and warm.
“I know I’m not as good as Sehun,” Kai began, brushing the hair out of Lu Han’s eyes. “I know he’s, like, the sex god or whatever—that’s what the girls at my school always said; he was the guy that all the girls liked. But I hoped I pleased you the best I could.”
“You’re such a gentleman.” Lu Han smiled tiredly, cuddling the pillows near him in his skinny arms. Kai wiped away the come on his chin. He stood up and rummaged through his bag for tissues, and came back to wipe Lu Han up.
“You’re really nice…”
“I’m not really,” Kai mumbled, remembering how rude he was to Lu Han before.
“You and Sehun are so nice,” Lu Han continued weakly. “Thanks for taking me in.”
Kai laughed. “I’m really not that nice. And Sehun is the coldest person I know. He never really gives a fuck about anything but art. But…” Kai’s heart twisted. The words were never clearer. And he realized how wrong he was. Sehun didn’t just need Lu Han for sex. Sehun really cared about Lu Han. And because he never cared about anything else but art, that meant…
Kai sighed. He withdrew from Lu Han and got dressed.
“What’re you doing?” Lu Han asked. He looked like he was about to fall asleep.
“Sehun will be back soon.”
Lu Han blinked. Blinked again, blinked for a third time. “Oh.”
Kai went back to the bathroom and picked up Lu Han’s clothing and tossed it to him, his blood pumping hard. Nothing was ever fair. Sehun always—
“Oh,” Lu Han said in a small voice. He sat up, his eyes wide. And he dropped his head into his hands. “Oh… fuck.”
“Get dressed,” Kai muttered. Lu Han looked at him, with big sad brown eyes. He did as he was told.
Sehun was a bad guy. Maybe that was why everyone liked him. He was cold, he never gave a fuck about anything, and he was fucking badass.
The gun was not that heavy when he first held it. He had had it for a pretty long time, ever since he was twenty. He hadn’t had to use it yet, though. It just made him feel really fucking wild.
Well, there were firsts for everything.
He just didn’t think he would use it on his brother.
[ 3 ]